Gespielte Arbeit – Arbeit im Spiel
Abgelegt unter: Back to work, Guilty pleasures | Kommentare (0)
Today Julia and I were part of a shoot for the department store giant Sears. Happy with the day, we took the subway home and nosily gazed at all the people coming from work. “Work” has been a hot topic for us these days since I have been working a lot from home lately.
Since Manhattan weather is not the easiest on us these days, we – our nanny, Julia and I – are all cozy in our UES apartment until I announce: “OK, gotta go work now.” I give Julia a kiss, then close my door. How hard is it not to react to crying if Julia doesn’t want to get dressed, bumps her head or spills her cereal? Harder than resisting a chocolate bar in front of my nose – and I’m a chocoholic! But of course she cries louder knowing I’m in that room hearing all that’s going on. So I come out, peek through the door: her wailing stops right away. We play peekaboo. And then it comes over her tiny lips: “Mommy, I want to be all day with you!” Now as flattering as that is, it’s ringing my guilt alarm bell really loudly, so what to do?
Since we have the absolute super ueber loving nanny and Julia loves her too, I know it’s more than just wanting to be with me. This is where a wise grandma’s advise comes in: “Tell her, that we all want to work and give something back to the world. She will too.”
Reasoning with a three year old? Of course! It works: Julia listens when I tell her in the evening that I love that she wants me to stay with her all day every day, but that I have work to do and one day she will too. I explain that she already works – creating her own art, painting and drawing or helping me cooking or playing with her dolls. “You know that time when you are by yourself playing, I need that too and that’s my work.” She seems to understand.
As if reading my thoughts, Julia and her nanny come home with books from the library. The one Julia wants to read over and over again is a book about work. It tells the story of different animal characters going off to work – as police guard, as a chef, as a Doctor, as a fireman… She looks through it for the last two days and today she says: One day I want to be a Doctor. Now that’s a train of thought! Something I said must have been comprehensible to her and since then I can close the door to my room for work smoothly again.
Further still – going home on the subway from our shoot today Julia dreamily looks at people coming and going on the train: “We too worked today, mommy” and she flashes a proud smile.
caro @ May 13, 2010
Kinder muessen draussen bleiben
Abgelegt unter: Time: a new dimension | Kommentare (0)
“Wie war dein Sommer?” begruesst mich Kara, fuer deren Kollektion ich als Model arbeite. Ich gerate ins Stocken – es ist Ende July und fuer mich hat der Sommer gerade mal nach langen Regentagen in Manhattan angefangen. “Wie? Schon vorbei?” So machen das die New Yorker, kaum ist der July da, werden in den Kaufhaeusern die Weihnachtsdekos rausgekramt.
Zu Hause nach der Arbeit, nachdem Julia im Bett ist, setze ich mich sofort ans Internet, um unser Wochenende im Oktober zu buchen. Die Grosseltern kommen aus Deutschland zu besuch – da wollen wir ihnen gern New Hope, das vertraeumte Staedttchen in Pennsylvania zeigen. Aber was sehen da meine trueben Augen? Fast ausnahmslos alle Pensionen und kleinere Hotels haben eine “Keine Kinder”-Regelung. Da steht dann: “Kinder ab 13 Jahren sind willkommen.” Ich kann mir so richtig vorstellen, wie die Jugendlichen ab 13 es kaum erwarten koennen, ueber’s Wochenende mit ihren Eltern den Farbenwechsel der Baeume anzuschauen und Antiklaeden mit Mama und Papa abzuklappern. Ja klar!
Warum haben solche Einrichtungen nicht sofort ein Schild mit einer schwarz geraenderten Abbildung von Kindern und einem roten Strich durchgezogen? Daneben wuerde stehen: ”Wir muessen draussen bleiben!”
In mir regt sich ein Unmut gegen Ungerechtigkeit. Meine Tochter ist doch kein Hund!
Am naechsten Morgen rufe ich mehrere Pensionen an. Tatsaechlich. Die meisten weichen keineswegs von ihrer Regel ab. Eine einzige nette Dame laesst sich meinen Namen und Nummer geben: sie wuerde es “abklaeren”. (Wahrscheinlich lande ich da auf einer schwarzen Liste: “Achtugng, Kind! In Zukunft bloss kein Zimmer anbieten!”)
Sollte unser vertraeumtes Wochenende mit Grosseltern und Julia samt Kastaniensammeln und Ziegen fuettern nicht moeglich sein wegen einer Keine-Kinder-Regelung?
Kurz ziehe ich in Erwaegung, jemandem von der UN zu schreiben: Faellt das unter Menschenrechtsverletzung? Erst aber rufe ich Allison an, Mutter zweier Kleinkinder und Amerikanerin. “Nee, also das versteh ich total. Das wuerde ich auch nicht wollen, wenn ich mit Steve wegfahre, dass da Kinder rumschreien!”
“Kinder!” – die Betonung hoert sich fast an wie eine Plage: etwa wie Muecken in Mexico, Kampfhunde in Central Park – Kinder in New Hope! Oh nein!
Wo fahren denn Familien hin? (Das groessere Hotel in New Hope, das Kinder “akzeptiert”, ist Ende July fuer Oktober ausgebucht). Also wohin? Alaska?
Als naechstes suche ich in Woodstock, vielleicht sind die Ex-Hippies da entspannter?
caro @ September 3, 2009
Kleine Antennen – grosse Worte
Abgelegt unter: Time: a new dimension | Kommentare (0)
Kinder merken alles. Sie sind wie Schwaemme, die alles aufsaugen. Und ihre kleinen Emotions-Antennen funktionieren hervorragend. Letztens durfte ich das an einem Wochenende feststellen, und es hat mich ganz schoen umgehauen:
Sonntage find ich stressiger als Montage. Ja, zumindest mit einer Tochter im Spielplatzalter und einem Mann, der erst mal schoen am Wochenende ausschlafen muss, weil sein Job in der naechsten Woche so anstrengend ist. Wer sagt da eigentlich, dass Erziehung nicht anstrengend ist? Ich weiss, ich goenn ihm ja den Schlaf – und alle Nasen bin ich auch mal dran mit Ausschlafen – so nach der Samstag – Sonntag – Regelung, die Freunde von uns vorschlagen, machen wir’s aber doch nicht. (Da waere Samstag der eine dran, Sonntag der andere.) Ich muss ehrlich sagen, es hat sich so eingebuergert, da hab ich ja selbst mitgewirkt. So weiss ich wenigstens, dass ich einen Mann gegen 11 Uhr habe, den ich sogar trotz schlechter Radiomusik zu jeglichen Geluesten beim spaeten Fruehstueck verleiten kann. Sei es meine Vorstellung vom Verbringen des Tages oder unsere naechste Urlaubsplanung. Aber letztens hatte ich Sonntag doch ganz gehoerig die Schnauze voll.
Es fing damit an, dass Julia fuer meinen Geschmack viel zu frueh wach war – 6:30 Uhr an einem Sonntag, nachdem wir uns einen Abend mit Wein und Freunden gegoennt hatten, stand sie vor meinem Bett und verkuendete, dass sie schon ganz allein Pipi machen war. Ich daraufhin: “Auf der Toilette oder im Bett?” Es stellte sich heraus, auf ihrem neuen Teppich. Nach Teppich-Auswaschen, war dann erstmal ein Kaeffchen notwendig. Aber dazu kam ich erst nachdem ich einen Wal mit Bausteinen und viel Phantasie mit Julia entwarf. Das Fruehstueck, das ich zubereitete – Pfannkuchen mit Bananen – schmeckte ihr nicht, da wollte sie dann doch lieber Ruehreier – und da sie mich so lieb drum bat und ich eh nicht viel um 8 Uhr an einem Sonntag Vormittag vorhatte, machten wir uns an das Eierschlagen.
Der Spaziergang zum Spielplatz wurde ein Schneckenlauf, weil Julia trotz 9 Uhr morgendlicher Hitze von 28 Grad in der Grossstadt jeden erhobenen Bordstein um die Baueme herum balancieren muss, die eigentlich hauptsaechlich in New York als Hundeklo benutzt werden. Endlich angekommen, spielt sie freudig und klettert auf ein Geruest, wo wir von einer Pitbull-Mama erstmal angeraunt werden, dass Julia doch aufpassen soll, weil ihr Engel vor ihr rumbalancierte. Mir blieb fast die Spucke weg, so nah waren sich die beiden gar nicht gekommen und noch nie habe ich Eltern auf dem Spielplatz so zueinander reden hoeren. Naja, ihr ist auch ein schlechter Morgen gegoennt, vielleicht hatte sie grad gelernt, dass Ihr lang Angespartes von Madoff verspielt ist. (Wobei ich sagen muss, das ist noch lang kein Grund, es an uns auszulassen). Nach einer aeusserst harten Weglockungs-Taktik, (Daddy ist bestimmt schon wach) so dass ich noch mit Julia zum Oeko-Markt kam, bevor sie mir zu muede im Kinderwagen zusammenbricht, kauften wir frischen Fisch, Kartoffeln – ja die lieb ich als deutsche Kartoffel immer noch – und Salat. Zu Hause angekommen, war ich dann erstmal geschafft, fing aber gleich an zu kochen. Wenig spaeter stand das Essen auf dem Tisch, mein Mann war aufgestanden – sah gut ausgeschlafen aus und Julia hatte schon die mueden, glaeserne Augen, die ich so gern sehe, weil ich weiss, jetzt gibt’s ein Stuendchen Mittagsschlaf. Mit einem tiefen Seufzer liess ich mich auf meinen Stuhl senken und muss unheimlich muede ausgesehen haben. Mein Mann fing einfach an zu essen und ich bereute es schon fast, dass ich ihn hatte schlafen lassen. Besonders mit vor-menstrualen Hormonschwingungen haette mich da ein falsches Wort aus der Bahn werfen koennen. Da sagte Julia mit noch nicht einmal drei Jahre junger, klarer, zarter Stimme: “Danke fuers Kochen, Mama.”
Mein Mann und ich schauten uns verbluefft an, dann sagte auch er: Danke! Ich gab Julia einen Kuss und ein entspanntes Laecheln machte sich auf meinem Gesicht breit.
caro @ August 22, 2009
Die Rueckkehr der Supermamis
Abgelegt unter: Mom's the word | Kommentare (1)
Letztens habe ich mich mit einer fast Dreijaehrigen, ihrer Mama und meiner Tochter im gleichen Alter an einem Brettspiel versucht. Prompt schlug die andere Mama vor, dass das “Singen” zum Teil der Regeln wuerde. Aber wem macht da schon noch das Singen Spass? Die einzigen, die am Ende gesungen haben, waren wir, die Mamis. Da stimmt ja mal was gewaltig nicht mit dem Bild oder irre ich mich da?
Obwohl ich den Typus “Mami” schon in vielen Ausfuehrungen getroffen habe, faellt mir auf, dass einer ganz klar nie aus der Mode kommt: Supermamis! Der Trend scheint zwar Richtung Mamis zu gehen, die lernen, sich auch um ihr eigenes Wohlbefinden zu kuemmern – apropos: “Nur wenn ich zu meiner Yoga Klasse komme, kann ich auch tief durchatmen, wenn der Kleine mal wieder das Glas Saft auf den Flukati schuettet.” (Was mich immer an die schoen mit Plastik eingeschweissten Notfall-Karten erinnert, die wir im Flugzeug bekommen: Zuerst setzen Sie selbst Ihre Sauerstoffmaske auf, dann helfen sie anderen.) Aber die Ruckkehr der Supermamis ist sicher, wie mir scheint.
Lisa Belkin fragt in ihrem New York Times Motherlode blog zwar: “Koennte die Aera der Ueber-Erziehung vorbei sein?” Ich muss leider sagen: ich sehe immer wieder Verhetschelung - Uebermutterung – Uebervaterung ja auch schon. Es wird immer die Muetter geben, die 1000 Mal am Tag den Namen ihres Schuetzlings…
caro @ June 8, 2009
Mommy on vacation
Abgelegt unter: Guilty pleasures, vacation - with or without baby | Kommentare (0)
“I don’t miss him.”, Sasha looks at me with her honest, clever and deep brown eyes. Disarmingly honest. Then she slides from the floatie in the pool we sit on into the turquois water. I get rocked a little and jump in to join her. “I know what you mean”.
I am perfectly fine without Julia here. It’s my three night trip to Los Angeles without my daughter who’s taken care of by nanny, grandmother and husband at home. Yes, I call her every day to check in and say: “I love you! Have a great day, I see you soon, when mommy is back home.” But I don’t feel that urge to hold her at that moment and if I do, I know it comes with duties like building space ships with lego for an hour or playing make believe cooking soups for another hour. So I don’t dwell in my emotions of missing her and I say to Sasha: “I don’t miss her either.” Does that make me cold-hearted, cruel, or even – ohh – the “bad mommy”? It’s about quality, not quantity one says about parenting. No child is well served with a parent that’s there, but not there, if you know what I mean. When hours add up at home without a break playing endless games with your toddler you just zone out. What follows, is an agry scream from your little angel: “Ahhh!” Or in a better case, “Mommy, I need your attention.”, which my friend Hannah impressively taught her 4 year old to say when he feels he doesn’t get enough mommy time while she’s breastfeeding the new baby girl. It works, I witnessed it. The little boy was whimpering, Hannah says to him, “Honey, I need you to use your words. I need you to tell me, what you need.” And so he did: “I need your attention, mommy!” She cradled him shortly after she was done breastfeeding. Our little ones understand a lot, if you tell them. Also that mommy is coming back from a three night vacation soon. Motherhood is a full time life-long gig, so a little trip for yourself is well deserved. Missing the little one is just going to make you be there, but not be here, if you know what I mean.
caro @ May 14, 2009
Mothers day presents
Abgelegt unter: quickies | Kommentare (0)
For your mom/your ML: Eye of my Heart:
http://www.harpercollins.com/books/9780061474156/Eye_of_My_Heart/index.aspx”>
For your mom friends, send them a personalized video link honoring their mothering work: http://news.cnnbcvideo.com/index.html?nid=YbKgMugMYjx_ok6UdkML.zIxOTM3MDA-&id=-9222233-L06ihTx
for yourself: check out how much your work as mother is worth if actually paid in $ (not measuring all the love) and then get a massage or treat yourself to your favorite thing – well deserved: http://swz.salary.com/momsalarywizard/layoutscripts/mswl_newsearch.asp
caro @ May 5, 2009
Grandma as birthing partner
Abgelegt unter: All around births, Family affairs | Kommentare (0)
Giving birth was the most profound privilege in my life. Deep, holy, spiritual. Not so holy though when you think about spreading your legs in front of your mother in law – your ML! And yet, I could’ve cared less. I actually think it was an amazing gift that my daughter was greeted by her dad, me, AND her grandmother.
My mom was abroad at the time and we had called my husband’s mom in my last stages of labor before transition. My ML arrived with wet hair – it was summer and early morning – in a beautiful green shirt just in the moment when I was bearing down in bed, seeing her framed by my naked spread legs. That moment, I saw her briefly puzzled face and as concentrated as I was, I couldn’t even say Hi, but I was thinking: “Oh, my, she’s seeing me pushing her granddaughter out!”
No more time for thinking than that, she joined in the work of holding my thighs up and being the cheerleader for the babies and my work: “Come, baby, come!” Have you ever thought of calling out this mantra together with your mom in law? More likely not. But it was an amazing and quite liberating thing to do. From that moment on she’s been a very involved grandmother – like my own mom as well – and the moment of her witnessing her granddaughters birth was the start of a deep love for her grandchild. A love that must be so different and still so close to the mothers’ love for a child. In “Eye of My Heart”, a new book about exactly that, the author Barbara Graham writes about her own experience as a new grandmother along with 26 writers, who explore their new, deep and more often also complicated feelings of putting the “grand” in front of the “mother”. Cleaning up with stereotypes of knitting grannies and telling many truths of grandmas, the book comes just in time for mothers day – if for your mom or your ML.
http://www.harpercollins.com/books/9780061474156/Eye_of_My_Heart/index.aspx
caro @ May 5, 2009
Pleasure envy
Abgelegt unter: Guilty pleasures | Kommentare (0)
The other day I was sitting inside a nail salon and instead of relaxing, totally freaked out, that people from my neighborhood will see me, especially mothers. My hands under the air fan, I was waiting impatiently for the cherry red color to dry. Why did I pick that color? Everyone will notice. Well, I loved it and that’s the reason I chose it. So one notices, right? Why was I so paranoid? Because I started feeling something very unpleasant, like a woodpecker working away next to my ear while trying to take a nap, something as unpleasant as a wrong number call in the middle of the night. Except this nagging feeling was of course deeply rooted within my own insecurity and doubt that I deserved relaxing and alone time. But something else nurtured that raging fire of doubt. It’s that something among moms, that I call “pleasure envy”. Tell me if it’s just in my head! But don’t you get that jealous look sometimes, when you walk out of the door in the evening and another mom notices you are off to a dinner or party with or without hubby. Then you run into that neighbor from downstairs with wide eyes and she says a little too cheerful: “Off again?” Or you come home late and run into a neighbor joking: “Where is baby?” More than once my reply has been jokingly: “Oh, up by herself. At two years, she can take care of herself.” I would get an uncomfortable pause, then I smile and the overly friendly would chuckle relieved. So here I was sitting in a nail salon with my hands under the air fan, my eyes darting nervously to see if a “supermom” notices me. (That is the species, that does it all by herself including the art classes, music sessions or museum visits with toddler guide.)
I was just testing the color on my nails again to see if I was ready to jump and disappear from my purgatory of waiting in the brightly lit window on a main Avenue, when someone stopped right there in front of me. Cheerfully smiling and waiving. It was Diana – with a stroller and two babies inside. She pops her head in: “Ah, here I find you! Where’s Julia?” I was ready to jump! Instead I rolled my eyes and smiled back at her: “OK, got me! Now what? Put me on the list of outed moms?” “God no! I’d love to do the same! I’m just jealous!” What a relieve! Just jealous! Hah, I knew it: Secretely we all want to get away for a little while from our little angels. But most of it, I want to do that unrecognized. Maybe that’s a niche: a getaway for moms sheltered from other moms. Again another impossible idea. Better then to keep our own guilt and doubts in check. How? By flaunting your red painted fingernails walking the streets proudly humming a tune knowing you got an hour to yourself!
caro @ April 22, 2009
Motherhood in times of recession
Abgelegt unter: Back to work | Kommentare (1)
“What else?” Chloe and I look at each other. Our three-year-olds are happily pressing their noses against the window of the café, where we are sitting for a coffee. We were both in a similar situation: She had taken a break from her job in advertising to be home with her son the first two and a half years. After a quick career switch, she was now ready to get a teaching job. I had been a model but with a degree in communications also working in media, looking to get back to work full time. But we found ourselves struggling to make sense in a Manhattan world of recession, no employment in site. What else is there to do than to look for jobs and cutting down expenses? Not much, except to keep the peace at home.
Which gave us time to rethink our values. It seemed right to us, that we hadn’t taken or gone back to jobs after giving birth that required long hours every day and almost no time to raise a happy baby. But now that our little ones started preschool and it was harder than ever to get back to work as a mother, was it fair to leave it financially all up to our husbands?
I started to doubt: Did I do the right thing concentrating on child, not career?
The answer for me is “yes, but!” I just wished the work of a mother, raising children was not this undervalued in our society. Being from Germany where paid maternity and paternity leave is possible (in cases for up to two years without losing your job), the American reality hit me and my friends with children hard. (And Manhattan is normally always the exception.) In addition to a missing parental leave “motherhood is the single biggest risk factor for poverty in old age” (Ann Crittenden, 2005 in “The Motherhood Manifesto”): Mothers are not eligible to receive social security credits (unlike nannies). So we are working for free even though the job of raising our next generation in a responsible way is the most important job, Chloe and I have to remind ourselves.
But concerning the state of motherhood in our country, check out these facts that make it hard for us to really have no doubt about this.
According to www.momsrising.org:
“A full quarter of US families with children less than six years old live in poverty”.
“Fourteen million children are unsupervised after school. 40,000 of these are kindergartners due to a lack of affordable afterschool programs.”
“In a Harvard study of over 170 countries, the U.S. was one of only four nations without any form of paid leave for new mothers. (The others were Liberia, Swaziland, and Papua New Guinea.).” You can check out the full Harvard/McGill report here: http://www.mcgill.ca/files/ihsp/WFEIFinal2007.pdf
My conversation over coffee with Chloe made even more sense looking at these facts, also provided by momsrising.org:
“Women without children make 90 cents to a man’s dollar, but mothers make just 73 cents, and single mothers make even less — about 60 cents to a man’s dollar.”
“Mothers are 79% less likely to be hired than equally qualified non-mothers.”
“A recent study found that mothers were offered $11,000 lower starting pay than non-mothers with the same resume for highly paid jobs, while fathers were offered $6,000 more in starting pay.”
“Of the twenty most competitive economies in the world, the U.S. is the only one that does not require employers to provide paid sick days.”
Far from counting Chloe’s and my family living in poverty, all these stats explain why so many mothers and children are! How can a woman raise a child and work often two jobs to pay the bills? A lot of women plain out have to. Who suffers, are the children along with them.
Nine million of those children are btw not health insured, according to momsrising.org. Reading this, I happen to remember listening to a mother or caregiver talking to a friend waiting in line at a local branch of a bank.
She: So it’s weekend and Tanya is running a very high fever. I bundle her up and take her to the emergency room.
Her friend: So what did they do?
She: They checked her, told me this happens some times, gave her some Tylenol and send me home with a 275 dollar bill!
Her friend: No way! That’s a lot of money!
She: Yeah, next time I’m not taking her to the emergency room anymore.
Listening to this conversation makes me shiver. Imagine parents or caregivers feeling intimidated by medical costs, consequently not taking necessary steps in more serious cases than a “normal” fever.
Everyone can help mothers and fathers by pushing family friendly policies like a paid parental leave and an affordable healthcare for everyone. A good source to start and read up about this is the “Motherhood Manifesto” that one can order at www.momsrising.org.
caro @ April 16, 2009
Multitasking
Abgelegt unter: Time: a new dimension | Kommentare (1)
“Get the junior bed!,” she says to me. Otherwise you’ll just have to buy a new one next year because they grow so fast”. I watch how Kate bends down on the street to shovel her dog’s shit into the plastic bag: dog leash and stroller in one hand while she’s holding Nina’s tiny hand in the other. Wait, does she have three hands? I am carrying some groceries and am holding my daughter’s hand. Nina, Kate’s three year old, yanks on Kate’s arm. She wants to run. Kate’s one year old starts crying in the stroller. Kate loses balance, her face hovering dangerously close over the shoveled shit. I can just grab the back of her jacket to hold her up. One of my grocery bags falls down, eggs break and we break out in laughter.
We eventually made it home without any more kids crying or things breaking. But we never finished our conversation about the “toddler versus junior bed”. But that’s another story.
I ask myself rather, how much multitasking can one do without messing one thing up?
Multitasking might be the ultimate oxymoron for mothers. We all do it, but we all know it makes nobody happy thus it’s really impossible. Raising and spending time with a child requires, as I learned the hard way, 100% attention and focus. Absent-mindedness is what makes your baby wail. It is what inspires your toddler to pull the crayons out to doodle your precious sofa. When suddenly listening to your friend on the phone switching to that annoying “email-voice” (Hallowell, E.M., Ballantine, 2006), wouldn’t you do the same? Well, substitute “crayons” and “sofa” for “befriending” and “facebook”. Having always been someone who rather concentrates on emails and phone calls, as well as cooking and shopping online at the same time, than doing one thing alone, spending time with my daughter has taught me, how not to do too many things at once. With a child, there is only one moment: “now”. And you know it when you do the same mistake over and over again, trying to tell her/him about a wonderful upcoming event. Then tears are shed, since he/she wants it “now”. If one tries, spending time with children heals. If we listen, if we are “there now”, we can learn. We learn real focus and attention and thus we learn to be happier. We learn to stay in the moment.
Guess what, here is another paradox, focusing on a single task will only help your multitasking: Multitasking is an illusion, since we can only deal with many things by shifting our focus from one thing to the other (just in a rapid way by way of the amazing prefrontal cortex), but we can never do anything simultaneously. (Even computer, for which the term was first used, don’t multitask for real. They just process one task, while others are waiting in line (context switch).
So you just get better at switching focus by really focusing on dancing with your baby or by fully concentrating on that book with your little one. As long as we do these things, there is nothing wrong with every once in a while typing a text on your blackberry while pushing the stroller and talking to a friend that shovels her dog’s shit. Just don’t do this while crossing the street.
caro @ April 14, 2009